Sam in Japan

My home, right now, could be a case study for barely-controlled depression.

I made an effort – I cleaned and rearranged the living room last week. But, in less than a week, it is back to being terrible. My kitchen shouldn’t even be seen. We ran out of dishes, it’s so bad. I can’t see the bottom of the sink, and stuff is piled on the table as high as it can go. Cat food plates are everywhere, and don’t get me started on how much laundry there is.

Basically, everything feels like it’s in shambles.

The holidays are coming up, and yet again, I’m certain boxes for friends and family will be late. Last year, the box sat in the car, never getting shipped. I’m repacking half of the stuff I bought for people last year, and hopefully will get it out for them this year.

Hopefully.

I have an order to ship, that I was putting off shipping because I was making something for the recipient, which I just barely got finished yesterday. I hope express shipping gets it there in time.

I haven’t cooked in a week or more. Not like there’s dishes if I wanted to.

All I do is sleep. And eat, and then feel nauseous. And then sleep some more. I don’t even play video games or anything; I literally have no idea where my day goes.

I go back to one doctor on Thursday, to get my thyroid meds readjusted. The blood work hasn’t made sense, so we’re starting all over again. The last week and a half has been bad, because I’m up to 7 pills a day for managing that, and it’s making me nauseous and unable to maintain a regular body temperature – I feel absurdly hot, and then cold, then hot again. If I sleep, it’s like a rock, otherwise, I don’t sleep at all. Or have nightmares.

Then, on Friday, I go back to the psych. We’ve been tapering down my drugs, because, quite frankly, I can’t afford them. Between the $60 for the psych and meds (down from $100 when I was on a full dosage), and then another $40 for the endo for my thyroid stuff, which requires me spend $35 to take a train there, I just can’t afford it any more. I’m hoping that by cutting down, things will be better. Less stress on any front would help, maybe?

I’m considering just asking to have my thyroid removed, and just take supplemental drugs to replace the hormones that are going bonkers. Seriously, one month, I’m perfect. Drop the dosage by 5mg (1 pill), and I’m just as bad as when I wasn’t taking any- because of something as minor as the knee injury stress! It’s crazy. I am seeing literally one of the best endocrinologists in the world, and he can’t explain what’s up, it’s so bonkers.

I am, however, thankful to actually have medical insurance, so I shouldn’t complain. Here, it’s interesting, but it’s still a stress I don’t need. Because then, when I look at it, and do the bills for the month, I get worse, and worse. And then I don’t clean. Or eat. Or anything. Some things are affordable here, but other things, like food, not so much. Man, the amount of food I could get in the US for $30 – that could feed us all, cats included, for a week or more. Here, that’s like 3 dinners, if I’m careful. I’m going back to shooting for ￥500 (~$4) for dinners for us both, with a goal of ￥300 (~$2.50). I’ll have to share recipes as I come up with them, I guess. Assuming I actually cook.

I hate this. I hate what my brain is. I hate what I live with. I hate that there seems to be an improvement, and then I get punched down again. I hate that every day I fight with myself not to do harmful things. I literally have to stop it, like you stop yourself from scratching an itch. Yesterday, I wanted to take scissors to an earlobe. For no reason other than my brain says so. I just want it to stop, to be over with.

My house is a testament to this.

On the plus side, I brought the plants in from the porch, and I should have some mini tomatoes soon. And when you rustle the rosemary, the living room smells nice. A good distraction from all the crap.